APRIL 2022 TEST DRIVE MEME

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APRIL 2022 TEST DRIVE MEME

Another month, another test drive meme! Our test drive memes are open to anyone interested - regardless of whether or not you join our game!

All Test Drive Memes are game canon. Players can choose to keep their TDM threads canon or not. TDM threads can be used for AC and can be used as your writing sample for your application.

Our TDMs serve as a way to build into the actual lore and worldbuilding of Deer Country and we strongly encourage everyone to enjoy and participate! Current players are always welcome to pull prompts from the TDM to reference on the Network or bring into logs as well as tag out to new characters top-leveling on the TDM itself.

Characters will always be able to actively die during TDMs as this is an extremely dangerous world. You can still have this be game canon! Check out how character death in Deer Country works here.

If you have any questions about the TDM, please ask down below!

IMAGE DESCRIPTORS IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE
Prompt One
[Image One: Delicious, Gelatinous Fruit Treats]
[Image Two: Women in white dancing around a May Pole (Animated)]

Prompt Two
[Image One: A woman turning away from a mirror. ]
[Image Two: A woman trapped inside a mirror with disembodied hands grabbing at her. ]

Prompt Three
[Image One: A Forked Trail on a Wooded Path]
[Image Two: The Grim Reaper at the end of a sewer tunnel]

[NAVIGATION]

TDM Questions • Reserves • Taken • Applications • Full Navigation

[Jump to Comments]

A MOSTLY PLEASANT ARRIVAL

WHEN: May
WHERE: The Farther Shores/The Boardwalk
CONTENT WARNINGS: Forced honesty, personality changes, physical changes.

---

Congratulations, sleeper! You're one of the lucky ones to arrive in a month that is not awful to come ashore. The transformational process is almost alarmingly quick and painless. In fact, it is so quick that it is deceptively easy to change back into a squid and do it all over again! Partial transformations are not uncommon during this month for the first twenty-four hours after arriving, and even brief transformations of minor facial features like hair color, eye color, height, weight and a few more extreme possibilities have been known to happen. Don't worry, because the transformations are all temporary and none are inherently monstrous (Unless you already are a monster, in which case good luck with that!). Greeters are present in force to help accommodate you as you make your way, your welcome backpack and items all freshly and neatly cleaned and ready for you as they put the robe on. Everything is so welcoming and inviting that it almost seems like they're having a party.

This is, in fact, because they are. The Wild Moon is about and festivities are in full swing throughout the month of Bauphomette. May poles are set up and it is possible to dance around one if you should wish. Doing so can help to ground oneself in their current form, which may help new arrivals settle in a bit better. Even ignoring that, it feels good to sing and dance, and everyone is very friendly. Even the usually grim Hunters who guard the roads and entries to the shores seem to have less stern smiles on their faces, though their eyes are ever watchful to keep the peace of the festivities.

SEASONAL DETAILS ON THE BOARDWALK
Decorations this month are decidedly floral in nature. Everyone is dressed in white, regardless of their usual preferences. Flowers adorn many of the people of Trench and the weather throughout the first week of May is pleasant. Even if it rains, it is a refreshing, light and pleasant rain, and there are many awnings and umbrellas to take shelter underneath.

And of course, there's refreshments. What festival in Trench would be without them? The foods this month have a very floral theme to them. Edible flowers have been grown and prepared especially for this time of year. They've been used to help create infused and gelatinous sweets, Floral spring rolls and edible flower cookies and the like, along with floral teas that are meant to calm the mind. Additionally, the people of Trench will note that any of the foods present can have a beneficial, albeit transformative effect on the mind and body. They promise it won't last long, but if you're really concerned there is hard tack and water available that's quite filling.

Changes from Food will last a few hours at most. There are several options available among the drinks and foods. These may be combined as the player sees fit. Drinks have mental effects, while Treats have physical ones, the Trenchies will inform:

Pomegranate Juice: Sweet and tart, anyone who drinks it or has some of the fresh pomegranate and seeds will feel compelled to speak nothing but the truth. Pomegranates are found littering makeshift shrines to Bauphomette throughout the party, and Trenchies insist they are free to take.
Petal Infused Hot Tea: Pungent and aromatic, it is relaxing. The heat gives a warmth and vibrancy that fills a person with confidence, to the point of arrogance and fearlessness, leading the emboldened to try something that they might not otherwise do, even if it's very risky!
Floral Iced Tea: While refreshing, it feels like there's something just a little lacking, and anyone who drinks some will feel that they need more but not what they need more of at first, making them clingy and affectionate towards other people, especially strangers.
Iced Water: It's not the tastiest, but has a way of washing things away. Water can cleanse and remove the effects of other drinks, though it leaves the person feeling emotionally drained if it is used this way.

Floral Spring Rolls: Trying one of these surprisingly edible treats will have the added effect of giving a person plant traits temporarily. Hair may convert into tresses of ivy or carefully manicured moss, or perhaps a mushroom cap! Skin might become bark-like or chlorophyl green. The more that one eats, the more that they change.
Gelatinous Sweets: These curiosities come with a note. “Have you ever wondered what it is like to walk in someone's shoes?” Eating one has a profound physical effect, causing a person's appearance to transform into that of another person in Trench! It may not even be someone they've met, or seen yet! It would be awkward to meet someone, not looking the way you're supposed to, or worse? Looking like them!
Edible Flower Cookies: They come with lovely notes saying “Eat Me!” What could be sweeter? Well, like something out of Alice and Wonderland, eating one can cause a person to grow or shrink by a foot. More cookies can cause the height difference to become worse and worse, though if you're only a foot tall, it's a good way to end up an inch tall! So, maybe eating more to fix the problem is risky.
Hard Tack: Like the water, it can fill the stomach and remove prematurely any physical effects, though if it does so, removing a physical change physically drains the character.

A DIM REFLECTION

WHEN: May
WHERE: Throughout Trench
CONTENT WARNINGS: Paranoia, existential dread, hallucinations, possession-related horror.

---

They warned you about mirrors. Every once in a while, one of the locals in Trench might have whispered it, made a sign of warding when they passed by mirrors, but nothing seemed out of place. They told you that you might see yourself in it, and you would never be the same. However, every time you've looked it's been fine. So, maybe they were being superstitious about something? It certainly wouldn't have been the first time someone had gotten paranoid about nothing in Trench, would it?

How wrong you were. Maybe it was when you were looking down at a puddle rippling in a light breeze. It might have been a formerly polished piece of bronze covered in tarnish that adorned a building. Perhaps it was that lovely bit of obsidian in the shop where you caught your reflection garbled by the shape. It happens only when a reflection is seen in a distorted surface, especially those that are naturally occurring, though occasionally damaged and weathered surfaces that were polished will work. When you were looking at the image, it seemed to look back at you and something was wrong, distorted, imperfect. By then it was too late.

The natives were right. You saw some part of yourself there in the mirror. It might be something that you've hidden from others for a long time, or it might be an exaggeration of a single part of yourself that you aren't proud about. What it is, is a distorted and incomplete part of yourself, something that you try to keep controlled and in check, and it was there, smiling at you and winking. The moment it winked, it was like you were riding in your own skin, watching and unable to act as you changed into a self that reflected that distorted, unnatural and incomplete side of yourself. What shadows do you hide from yourself?

This effect lasts for, at most, one solar cycle. From the rising of the sun to its setting, or the moon to its setting, the effect can last no longer than that. Especially strong-willed people, particularly palebloods, can end this effect sooner through force of will, though it usually lasts at minimum an hour. The character is, for the duration of this effect, changed in personality to behave in accordance with some singular aspect (of the player's choice) of their personality that they do not usually focus on in their day to day behavior. This change can be subtle, or it can be drastic and even dangerous. Its goal is to make sure that everyone sees and witnesses this change, and goes out of its way to impact others in a memorable fact, making sure that they see there is more to the character than what they are revealing. This could be relatively innocuous or extremely dangerous, depending on the person, and the whole while the dominant personality is riding inside their skin, forced to watch what is happening.

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

WHEN: May
WHERE: Dream worlds
CONTENT WARNINGS: Existential dread, disturbing visions

---

It happens when you are asleep one night. There is no warning for this effect, and it comes without apparent cause. One night, you go to sleep, and then suddenly you find yourself in a dreamscape, on a path. You can sense eyes on you the whole time that you are present in this field, and though they have a sense of benevolence to them, there is a deeply alien element to the experiment, almost like you are being observed by a scientist through a microscope. You are not alone on the path, either. One, or possibly more than one, other people that you may know or not know, they seem to have entered the same dreamscape. Behind you is nothing but shadow, and before you is a path. Might as well get going if you want to wake up, right? That's how these things work.

Introductions and questions aside, there's nothing but the path and dense, impenetrable woods on both sides, so eventually you and your companion start walking. As you do, shortly you see a branch in the path ahead of you. The fork has two paths, one of which shows the traffic of many feet, footprints grooved well into the worn cobblestones and mud. One of you will somehow recognize that the footprints are their own, and will notice that the other path has no footprints or very few. That is when the compulsion hits. It is inexorable and impossible to deny, the curiosity to see what is down the path that those footprints do not travel.

Travel, walk and taking that path, you will be treated to a vision. It is a moment in the dreamer's life, where they see something that happened in their life, which involved a choice. Did they go left or right? Did they say yes, or no? A choice they made, even one that seemed immaterial at the time, had some profound effect, and now you and they watch as the other choice was taken. And, within the hour, you will see the results, to your horror. Something terrible will happen to them. It could be anything, but it will be life-shattering, perspective altering and ghastly. They might even die from the experience or see a loved one die. The horror of it will still be in your hearts as you stand there for a moment, trapped in the sight of the aftermath, trying to come to terms with what you have just seen, and just at this moment, after a few parting words are said, both will wake up in a cold sweat.

The event that plays out can be from either character. Close CR is not required. Bauphomette has summoned the characters into the dream directly, and is sharing a distorted mirror of an opposite choice that could have been made. Actual “What if” canon events such as alternate timelines in Supernatural could be used for this, or the entire event can be concocted for this scene. The characters themselves are witnesses, and cannot be personally harmed in any physical way, but the horrific ending for the 'vision' version of the one whose dream this can be as awful as desired and take any form wished so long as it is unpleasant. Please be aware and mindful of each other's Content Warning Preferences in setting these scenes up.

CODING

Comments

[unphase]

And she was terribly careful around telepaths. She'd have to be after one had stolen her life and body, then used them to both seduce and placate her husband. And she always assumed there was a potential fight ahead. It had saved her a lot of time back home.

"Very well. I admit that I don't know the particulars of this specific landscape, so while I won't stay behind, I will let you take the lead. Whenever things like this happen, they're usually tailored to the mind of the subject and I'm pretty sure that's not me. If it were me, we'd be in space by now." And she walks about a pace behind him, still alert to her surroundings, whatever they may turn out to be.

She appreciated not being talked down to. That constantly happened in the other world she'd been to, but here she'd been accepted as a young woman, not as a mindless girl, easily led by others. And any information was good information.

[distant_one]

"There is some symbolism to a dark path in the woods at night, but I couldn't say it's the most well chosen scenery." D admitted as they continued the winding path. What exactly it was meant to symbolize wasn't clear to D, and likely wouldn't become so quickly enough to be useful.

It wasn't long before they came across a split in the path, and his foot steps went one way. The other, untrod upon for so long that the faint hints of footsteps were nearly washed away, the path remaining a path only for the lack of impenetrable vegetation blocking it.

D thought nothing of his immediate decision to take the path where his footsteps weren't. The split, and the presence of his tracks down were clearly purposeful, and he could see clear logic both for following the path he'd apparently already been down, and for avoiding it. He was not one to agonize over such a choice.

[unphase]

"It was a cold, dark night," she intones, voice filled with equal parts irony and anticipation. Wherever it was they were, the quotation seemed appropriate. People had made fun of that phrase for centuries, but it did the trick of describing the setting in less than a sentence.

And wasn't that a sight. A little too on the nose, yes, but built for the sake of mystery despite the fact that it almost needed a flashing sign reading "Take this Route, Please." Be less obvious, Trench and/or Pthumerians.

Since he went on the road less travelled, she followed along about a half-step behind him. She glanced towards him and said, "Does any of this look familiar?"

[distant_one]

D gave no acknowledgement to the remark. The path ahead was as uniformly uninteresting as the path they passed.

"No." But they were not on that path for much longer before the vision happened. This location was familiar to D. It was an ordinary enough looking farm and farm house, and fields of grass waving gently in the breeze.

More curious was that he was watching from a perspective other than himself, and both the dark haired young woman in the vision before them and the version of himself walking up behind her don't notice their presence. Anyone unfamiliar with how slowly D aged would think this was a recent memory, for he looked exactly the same then as he did now.

"I remember this day," D said when Doris started to speak, purposely speaking just loud enough to drown out most of the young woman's quiet mumbling. "She would hate for anyone to see her this upset." It wasn't his companion's fault they were intruding on a memory someone else wanted quiet. Doris was distraught about his impending departure, speaking about how she should've looked for someone else because she wouldn't be able to continue as she had once he was gone. But he was going to leave anyway.

"That was the deal. That will end your sorrow. That or my death." D's memory of himself said. He thought it was curious that he heard his voice as others would hear it, as if it were a recording rather than a memory of how his voice sounded from his own perspective. "No!" The young woman shouted before she buried her face against his chest and sobbed.

"I shouldn't sound like that in my own memory," D noted, immediately on edge. The memory wasn't finished, the two of them standing there together, the young woman weeping against him, and the memory of D with a melancholy air about him as he supported her.

D reached for his sword. The face of his counterpart had changed from inhumanly beautiful to inhumanly predatory and terrible. His fangs were fully extended, and his eyes bathed the scene in a lurid red glow. D's memory counterpart let out a soft growl.

Unlike in his memory, D's counterpart didn't grab Doris and hold her against his chest when she started to look up. Instead, they looked into one another's eyes.

"This isn't my memory."

(CW: self-harm, suicide)

[unphase]

She wasn't really expecting a response. Most of the time, she talks because she enjoys talking to people. And maybe because she's trying to get the measure of them as much as talking would allow.

She hmmms noncommittally and continues following a half-pace behind.

Though, this seemed interesting. A girlfriend, maybe? A farm girl from the looks of it.

Nobody liked to be seen when they were upset. It was far easier to plaster on a smile and a light tone of voice, convincing all around them that Everything was Fine. Not that she hadn't wanted to confide in people, both here and at home, but she knew they all had their own problems and couldn't necessarily spare the concern for hers. But the way the woman clung, it seemed she had feelings for the new guy.

But, Mistress, things had taken a turn for the dramatic! Most people didn't utter anything about their own death unless they were really serious or really needed help. She kept her cool, though, giving him a mildly interested look.

"Really? Often, we're not used to how we appear to an outside source." But her companion seemed like his hackles were raised. So she chose to pay the bulk of her attention to the him who was here, as opposed to the him who was holding the dark-haired woman in his arms. But the him holding the young woman...were those fangs?

Still watching them out of the corner of her eye, it seems like something out of a vampire romance holo.

And she slid her gaze from the couple, over to her companion. "Then may I ask what it is?"

[distant_one]

"I don't know." Was the only answer D had.

D was staring intently at the scene as it unfolded. Doris and his counterpart stared at one another for several moments before she spoke.

"Go on, I don't mind if it's you." She said. D had kept her from seeing this side of him not because he had feared she would reject him, that she would fear and hate being confronted with it. To know he was a Dhampir was one thing, to see that side of him and smell death on his breath was another. More than anything, D had feared she would invite him to bite.

His counterpart gave into the desire, and reached up to pull the worn blue scarf from Doris' neck and reveal the bite mark already there. D was no stranger to the unparalleled taste of virgin blood, or even the exquisite feeling of sinking his teeth into a neck. But he could not stand this sight, and his own eyes gave off an eerie red glow.

The moment that followed had him as nothing but a dark blur and a lethal curve of light. His sword passed harmlessly through the memory, unable to stop what was about to happen.

D could only watch helplessly as his not-quite-self sank his teeth into the young woman's neck. A look of rapturous bliss crossed her face.

A terrible eldritch aura filled the area, D's desire to kill that false copy of himself so intense that it was a tangible effect. The air froze, but did nothing to touch the warm daylight of the vision. His unnatural killing lust was a physical, heavy weight in the air, oppressive enough it would have wilted plant life.

This time, he attempted to stab his counterpart through the heart. Even though she was merely a phantom, D chose an angle that wouldn't have hurt her. That, too, was just as useless.

[unphase]

She sighed, looking resigned. "Trench at its finest."

The tension through the other version of her companion and the dark-haired woman could probably be seen from space.

It's kind of like watching a holo. That response could've been predicted from various holos she'd seen, but she didn't want to seem too keenly interested for fear that it would upset her companion, the other version of the guy who looked ready to take the woman at her words and bite her.

And yeah, there they went. She couldn't pretend that the idea of vampires hadn't been appealing. And yeah, in the other world, she'd had a long-term affair/friendship with one. It had been good, so she was the last person to judge. But judging from the red tint to her companion's eyes, he wasn't either or he absolutely was. Judging this other him, at least.

But the sword was a surprise.

If Tinya could've seen herself with Rip, yeah, that expression would've been entirely familiar. But wasn't that how it was always presented in vampire holos unless they were leaning more into the horror side of things.

The aura was another surprise, even though the cold didn't bite into her Coldblooded body. Not feeling cold was a bonus she hadn't expected, but was taking full advantage of whenever she could. The other part, though? That, she felt and it took all of her willpower to not hunch her shoulders in, try to make herself seem smaller. It was a close thing, but she knew how her mother would react to her reacting to this.

So they were fully illusions, not even hinting at real flesh or real blood?

[distant_one]

D knew that other people in Trench were from other worlds, understood that it meant they wouldn't have the same frame of reference as everyone he'd ever known. But on an emotional level, the lack of any kind of the expected reaction to him or to the scene was jarring.

He looked back at the scene, and lowered his sword. The terrible aura faded slowly, and the lurid red light diminished to a faint glow.

"Whatever made this dream must be quite powerful." In a dream, the sword would be even more an extension of his will than it would be in the waking world. There were more extreme measures he could take, but without any danger other than witnessing himself doing something terrible, D wasn't going to go there.

D's illusory counterpart pulled away, and only a small trickle of blood dripped from the mark his fangs made before the flow stopped. The illusion licked that away, and then pulled the scarf back up.

The expression on Doris' face was fading from intense pleasure to a hazy smile, and she collapsed into the illusion's arms. His illusion had condemned her, or himself, with that bite.

D looked away from the illusion as his counterpart carried her inside, just in time to avoid being seen by the young woman's little brother.

"You have a strong will." He observed, the red finally fading completely from his eyes, and his teeth once more at their normal length. D returned his sword to its sheath, the blade making an almost sweet, almost musical sound as it slid back into place.

A hoarse voice that definitely didn't belong to D spoke up, quiet but still audible, and seemingly coming from near his left hip. "It wouldn't be the end if the world, if you decided to settle down and-" The voice cut off with a muffled cry of pain as D squeezed his left hand into a fight fist, stopping just short of drawing blood.

(CW: sex)

[unphase]

Was she supposed to cry? Scream? Run away? Even if she had known who he really was, she wouldn't have had those reactions. Maybe it was confidence, maybe it was arrogance, but she was enormously self-contained.

She watched him carefully, though. Her phasing was unpredictable, she didn't know what her fire or lightning or ice could do, so she was reluctant to deploy them.

"A Pthumerian. You're not in luck, you missed Argonaut's month. Argonaut is kind, he just wants us to be happy and hopeful. The rest? Them, I have yet to decide on. Other than the Moss King, he's just a prick."

All she could think of were those ancient vampire holos where the bite was as intense as sex. The time in that one vampire movie where Dracula had transformed himself into mist and the filmmaker spared no illusions about how she was feeling about it. While she wouldn't be opposed, she'd at least like to know him better first. Thank the Mistress for Trench, here she could get to know people better first.

She didn't seem to mind? Whatever had happened, it seemed as though the other woman had enthusiastically consented. And that was the meter stick even by 31st century standards, was one's partner enthusiastically consenting? Then have fun and mazel tov to you both!

Okay, the presence of a kid brother was a twist. He might not understand.

"You're not the first person to tell me that," she said with a small smile. That will had kept her alive, kept her sane in the first other world she'd been to. This was far better. But she'd have to rely on her will yet again to keep herself safe from all but Argonaut.

The voice came as a surprise. It was honestly fair advice, but her companion didn't seem to want to hear it.

"I've been rude. I haven't introduced myself, have I?" Yes, Tinya, because that was where you were being rude.

[distant_one]

It wasn't D himself, but the horror brought on by a Vampire's bite. Most Dhampirs couldn't cause the effects a vampire could with their bite, but were still feared for their insatiable thirst and long history of causing a very large number of casualties when they lost control.

D's bite was not nearly as mild, and although he had never lost control, he knew the potential was there. Particularly when in addition to thirst, any physical attraction he felt for someone manifest itself in him as it did in vampires: with a desire to bite rather than have sex.

While D had a long history and habit of simply ignoring people who were speaking to him, he was usually willing to at least introduce himself. "I'm D."

[unphase]

Okay, yeah, that was on the troubling side. But she didn't know that. All she's seeing is an erotic scene with two consenting persons. But she has at least some sense of self-preservation, enough to keep her from going 'me! me next!'

Also reminding her of vampires she'd known in the other world, where attraction went hand-in-hand with sex, then to the bite. Not that she was opposed, far from it, but she was expecting to keep herself mostly chaste here. This place seemed designed for chastity.

"It's good to meet you, D. Although, I'm not sure if the scene being shown is one you'd allow, given a choice in the matter. But that's the Pthumerians for you. Except for Argonaut, he's a sweetheart."

[distant_one]

It took D a moment to respond, and in the intervening time he looked at the door of the building his false self had carried Doris into.

"That never happened." D remarked calmly. "She hired me to save her. I killed the Vampire who bit her, and then I left."

D had been offered that before. Blood, the opportunity to bite, both as payment and simply for the sake of it.

He had thought the vision was a prelude to an attack, to being forced, yet again, to fight himself. D would be easier to defeat when he hadn't just consumed virgin blood. Then it had seemed perhaps it might be a distraction, but still nothing else had happened.

[unphase]

She's seen a double of herself before, so she has something of an idea of how weird it must be. But that's not the same as witnessing one of her memories distorted and with an audience, no less.

"So she's okay? Or will be okay?"

There was something to be said for the sake of it. And hey, if the person doing the biting was this guy who seemed to be the portrait of a melancholy, Byronic figure, that would be interesting.

That was Trench, though. Never giving in to expectations, even when those expectations would be a welcome distraction. But it's not Argonaut's month, not anymore. After a month in near total darkness, seeing the sun again had been very near to unwelcome.

[distant_one]

"She was fine. That was years ago."

D tried not to think too hard about the passage of time and the humans he cared about, however briefly he was in their lives. It was better that way, to not try to go back again. To not find that even the descendants of someone he knew had no knowledge of him.

People weren't always so happy and safe when he left their lives, it was pleasant to look back on the ones he'd been able to help.

"She wasn't the type to stay behind either. Is that why you're in this dream, or were you just unlucky?" Sometimes there was a reason, a purpose when beings whose existence extended beyond time and reality chose to spend their attention and efforts. Other times, it was merely by chance. D had seen both, and all had ended horribly.

[unphase]

"Oh. Wow. Then, yeah, I'd certainly hope she'd be fine."

She'd have pretty much the polar opposite reaction, collecting friends and compatriots from all over the place, of all ages. Going to visit with them and writing letters and remaining a real and present part of their lives. She knew that growing so much older and eventually starting to lose people would hurt, but. All the more reason to make as many memories when she could.

Helping people was an important part of the world. She still had to believe that after going through so many things which threatened to tear that part away from her forever.

"I think that's it. I don't stay behind and hide behind anyone else. Once, it would have been unthinkable for someone like me to do so, but I chose to make the unthinkable not only thinkable, but a real working option." Her choice. Hers. While she knew eventually she'd have to do her duty, she was hoarding as many choices as she could, when she could.

[distant_one]

D didn't know what the 'someone like her' part meant, but it didn't particularly matter to him either. He'd seen humans subjugate and abuse and destroy one another over the pettiest reasons. For being horrible, for being beautiful, they could always find a reason to try to have their way.

There were many things humans did that they would protest were 'unthinkable' but a few generations past their short lives were common or even praised.

"Doing the unthinkable sounds like just your type." This time D didn't bother silencing his Left Hand, but simply ignored it.

"It's good to know that if you're needed, you'll step forward."

[unphase]

In her case, it was being the sole heir to a very powerful family with a very long legacy. But she wouldn't have been able to deny what he'd thought of humanity, humans would do just about anything to get themselves on top and keep themselves there. But then, she wasn't human and she knew her family was just as bad.

For her, choosing to live her own life at all qualified. Everyone, including Mother herself, pointed to the fact that her mother had tried to do the same and was filled with regret. Which made her want to ask if she was part of that regret, too, but was afraid of hearing the answer.

She hears the voice, but can't be sure where it was coming from. Only that it apparently felt supportive?

And she nodded. "Thank you. I have yet to regret doing so."

[distant_one]

"You're welcome, but that's not the kind of thing that leaves many who regret it alive to do so." A bit of a grim observation, but an honest one in D's experience.

He's seen many people stand and fight only to die, some with regret on their face, many without. And many more of those who did live to regret it that would have preferred death.

His world was not a good place, and this one didn't seem to be either. Even in a dream it couldn't manage a pretense of being pleasant, much less good.

[unphase]

She shrugs lightly. "Maybe. Regret can be dying by the centimeter rather than all at once." Tinya knows her mother regrets a great deal in her life, including the marriage which led to Tinya's own birth. She's always wondered if mother regretted Tinya herself, but she didn't want to hear the answer.

She'd stood and fought. And died. But death wasn't a permanent thing, at least not for her. But the millions who died that same day couldn't say the same thing.

Hers prided itself on being good, even when it wasn't. Maybe even especially when it wasn't.

[distant_one]

"The death of who you are is far worse than true death," D agreed. He was not particularly invested in whether she would ever come to regret it or not. For the moment, even if it didn't matter to her, and even if he didn't show it, she had D's approval.

It was rare for him to offer any words of encouragement or support even when they were needed, and it was clear that she didn't need anything from him. D had nothing further to add on that subject.

[unphase]

"I agree. There are many who tried in the world before this one, but none of them succeeded. I didn't let them break me," she says. It was a point of pride for her, that no matter how bad things had gotten, she'd stayed herself at her core.

She's had to grow up to be very self-sufficient. If she could do life over again, maybe she'd be better about being herself without apology, rather than maintain the shell of self-sufficiency.