Yeah. I mean, I told myself it was the racing and the alcohol and because I needed someplace where I could be myself without Gansey looking at me like a fucking kicked puppy, but--
[He trails off, and his kneejerk reaction is still to pull away, but he doesn't, he just curls his fingers a little bit tighter against the back of his neck. Ronan has gotten better than always giving into his kneejerk reaction. Like he said, he's still an asshole, but he tries now, at least. If nothing else, he knows just how exquisite the hurt of losing Kavinsky is, and it had been easier to admit alone at the barns, in the lonely hours of the night.]
Yeah, I forgive you too. I wanna- do this thing better. For both of us.
[He does not say that he wants them to be friends, however tempting the idea is to lean back into old cowardice. But instead he distinctly leaves the shape of it open, nebulous. Which maybe had always been part of the problem, but for the moment, Ronan just wants-- he's trying to be honest. Give them the space to figure this shit out.
This close, he can't help staring at Kavinsky's eyes and his heartbeat skips in his chest. He wants to kiss him, but on the other hand it feels unfair, like he'd be taking advantage of his feelings when Ronan still isn't as certain in his own. But he knows he wants something and that he wants Kavinsky in it. It feels like trying to skip all the burnt bridges and the hurts and the things he ought to say sorry for.
So he doesn't. But he still wants it.]
C'mon. If we're gonna have a moment, I'd prefer doing it with pants on.
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[He trails off, and his kneejerk reaction is still to pull away, but he doesn't, he just curls his fingers a little bit tighter against the back of his neck. Ronan has gotten better than always giving into his kneejerk reaction. Like he said, he's still an asshole, but he tries now, at least. If nothing else, he knows just how exquisite the hurt of losing Kavinsky is, and it had been easier to admit alone at the barns, in the lonely hours of the night.]
Yeah, I forgive you too. I wanna- do this thing better. For both of us.
[He does not say that he wants them to be friends, however tempting the idea is to lean back into old cowardice. But instead he distinctly leaves the shape of it open, nebulous. Which maybe had always been part of the problem, but for the moment, Ronan just wants-- he's trying to be honest. Give them the space to figure this shit out.
This close, he can't help staring at Kavinsky's eyes and his heartbeat skips in his chest. He wants to kiss him, but on the other hand it feels unfair, like he'd be taking advantage of his feelings when Ronan still isn't as certain in his own. But he knows he wants something and that he wants Kavinsky in it. It feels like trying to skip all the burnt bridges and the hurts and the things he ought to say sorry for.
So he doesn't. But he still wants it.]
C'mon. If we're gonna have a moment, I'd prefer doing it with pants on.