The day Da-ge interrupted our work on the watch tower proposal revisions. We were together in the Blooming Garden in Koi Tower. I think--I think I hadn't slept in days.
Do you remember?
[Because Jin Guangyao can. He can recall everything about that day, and the nightmare that he'd been living days before the confrontation that crystallized everything that was to come. The bloody beating he'd received from Madam Jin, the head injury she'd dealt him which had left him delirious--and probably concussed--which he'd taken such pains to hide beneath the bandages and his hat. The depth of his exhaustion that day had penetrated straight down to the marrow of his bones, because he knew, he knew--
Say it, then. That resigned voice in his head.
He draws in another shaky breath, cuts his eyes up to Lan Xichen's, then looks away as if the sight of his beloved friend's face burns him.]
I couldn't kill Xue Chengmei for Da-ge without defying Father. Even if I could have killed him without bringing Father's wrath down on my head, Er-ge, it wouldn't have been enough. It would never have been enough after that day, after he--
[His throat closes over the words. Jin Guangyao closes his eyes, the lids trembling, and reaches up to wipe away a line of moisture from his eyelashes before it can streak down his cheek. He reaches a shaking hand for his teacup again, but his trembling fingers can't manage to get a secure grip on it, and so he gives up. Instead he leans his elbows on his knees and presses his face into his palms.]
no subject
Do you remember?
[Because Jin Guangyao can. He can recall everything about that day, and the nightmare that he'd been living days before the confrontation that crystallized everything that was to come. The bloody beating he'd received from Madam Jin, the head injury she'd dealt him which had left him delirious--and probably concussed--which he'd taken such pains to hide beneath the bandages and his hat. The depth of his exhaustion that day had penetrated straight down to the marrow of his bones, because he knew, he knew--
Say it, then. That resigned voice in his head.
He draws in another shaky breath, cuts his eyes up to Lan Xichen's, then looks away as if the sight of his beloved friend's face burns him.]
I couldn't kill Xue Chengmei for Da-ge without defying Father. Even if I could have killed him without bringing Father's wrath down on my head, Er-ge, it wouldn't have been enough. It would never have been enough after that day, after he--
[His throat closes over the words. Jin Guangyao closes his eyes, the lids trembling, and reaches up to wipe away a line of moisture from his eyelashes before it can streak down his cheek. He reaches a shaking hand for his teacup again, but his trembling fingers can't manage to get a secure grip on it, and so he gives up. Instead he leans his elbows on his knees and presses his face into his palms.]